By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
