Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
