Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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