ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
