You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
