My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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