he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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