He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
