I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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