I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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