Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
