everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
