I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
