i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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