Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
