Don't make out with my wife yet
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
