i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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