areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
