let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
