peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
