I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
