I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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