remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
