ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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