Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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