Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
