When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
