I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
