Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
