Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
