I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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