I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
