your room smells of hookers.
And success
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
