I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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