i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i drank out of a bidet.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
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