god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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