there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
