Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
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