Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
