I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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