I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
