Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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