id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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