so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
