the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
