If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
