All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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