You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
