You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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