I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
