Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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